Munich is comfortably gay. But discomforts can be arranged.
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The Local Tongue


Foreigners who have lived in Japan marvel at the way English is used there. We’ve even given it a special name—Engrish.

Apart from the obvious howling mistakes, we chuckle at the innocent vacuity of what’s said. If one translates Japanese directly, it contains exactly that—nothing. Nature abhors a vacuum; the Japanese abhor a social vacuum. They seek to fill it with manufactured politeness through meaningless words and gestures. If you’re talking, it means I’ve noticed you.

The Germans have no truck with that sort of stuff. They like a social vacuum just fine, thank you very much, and think that if everybody would just shut up and scowl, the world would be a better place. Especially Schwabians.

Nonetheless, English as it’s spoken in Germany—let’s call it Englisch—has a certain charm. The quaint old-fashioned word order and strong verbs, for example. The routine confusion of mustn’t and don’t have to. It warms my heart to hear them throw in an already or actually when I know they really want to say noch or schon.
But the greatest charm for an English-speaker in Germany is this: everything in German sounds so dirty. Why?

There are lots of hard t’s, c’s and k’s that remind an English speaker of our most beloved dirty words. And two ways to make an f sound, for added swearing convenience.

In between those consonants, we find plenty of moist, gurgly, squishy sounds. Speaking German sounds a lot like oral sex. Oral sex done well, that is.

"Porn Brook Asparagus. The fresh way!"
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